Laowai

 

When I give her a toy she looks up at me like I just gave her a diamonds – she’s smiling, she’s saying wow, she’s saying thanks mom.

Those legs – made of rolls of fat and they are so kicky. When she’s feeling relaxed and happy and paying attention those legs are going, going, going. With the toes splayed out and feet wiggling.

She’s that perfect size now – she can nuzzle into my neck and chest when she’s feeling sleepy. Before I know it she will be so big that she’ll have to crank her head to the side to rest her head on my shoulder. Poor baby who has a height challenged mommy.

She sleeps with me often when Brian is out of town – and I sit there staring at her and time flies by even in those little moments. And I think about how no matter how hard I try to I will never be able to capture the feeling I get when I look at her sleeping chubby body. When she’s asleep and relaxed and cozy I relax and my heart feels satisfied. I guess on the flip side I will blessedly forget exactly how miserable and frustrating it feels when I’m trying to get my fussy baby to go to sleep when she is over-tired. When she is tortured and crying with her eyes closed and her voice gets so sad and hoarse. I’ll forget those details.

I think in ways these moments are sweeter with my baby number two because I know a little bit of what is ahead of us. I know about the hard parts – the frustrating parts that are around the corner. The difficult moments that come with each age. I’m less ignorant but no less blissy because I am trying to soak in all these moments of complete dependence. These moments where I am her one and only and I know all the easy tricks for getting her to smile.

I am lately thinking about the pulling away that kids do and I’m shocked that I’m thinking about this so soon. I look at Bea and I can see the space between us now. Not bad space – she’s just turning into her own person. I naturally start thinking about the future and how I will ever let her go off and do the things that she needs to do. And where will I be when she has her own full life – the full life that I want for her. Who will I be when I no longer have my little shadow at my side. Ironic that I’m so sappy about this stuff when I just about lose it six times a day when I’m overcome with a feeling of being smothered by my children. I guess I’m just feeling things that most mothers feel – it’s such a tornado of transformations.  

OK – that’s enough – enough being emotional – enough over thinking – enough staying up too late when Brian is away. Good night.