Laowai

Oh Switzerland you are breaking my heart in two.

In case you are wondering we are signed up for at least another two years here in Helvetica land. 

Whenever Brian and I talk about our time here and how long it is going to last it is so painful. I tell Brian that I am completely torn when I try to sort it out in my head. On one hand we obviously love it here. For someone with a design passion it is a dreamland to live in a place where everything is done conciously and carefully and deliberately. Everyday life is simply pleasant. The views out all of my windows magically change throughout each day. Just last night, talking to Brian on the phone, I had to tell him how the light on the mountains was more pink than I’ve ever seen. It was irresistably beautiful. We love the trains. We love exploring the charming towns. We have taken the most lovely hikes through beautiful woods. We’ve seen specatcular mountains and gorgeous lakes. Brian is pure bliss when he gets to go out for bike rides. He loves his work here and he has been very successful – making himself essential to the office. He gets to travel around Europe almost every week. He works crazy hard but that’s all he knows how to do and it makes him happy. We have loved all the things that Switzerland offers for kids. It’s easy to get the kids out into nature. They have enjoyed so many cool museums and events that are done so well for kids. I love that Bea is learning German. I love that she has forest day at school every week or two. I love that our kids will be able to look back on this interesting part of their lives. I could ramble on and on. 

And then there is the hard stuff. The hardest part is being so far from family. I miss out on that chill out time when I go to my parents house and the kids are entertained and the pressure is off me as a mommy. I don’t get to connect with my sister like I wish I could. The time when we do go back to the US is great but it’s stressful too and it doesn’t replace all the little moments that I would get with them if I was living closer. And a little part of me feels guilty for taking my kids away. These young years are precious and I have to put myself in my Mom’s shoes – I would be heartbroken not to be able to spend more time with my grandbabies. And then I have guilt about putting Bea through the difficulties that she has had with school. It’s been so hard for her to adjust and learn the language. I want it to be a positive thing in the end but some of our days this year have made me wonder. And even if everyday life is pleasant it can still be hard when you don’t fit in. I can’t contribute like the other mom’s at Bea’s school. I don’t know the cuts of meat at the grocery store. I feel like I stick out like sore thumb sometimes. I’m not particularly outgoing and so the little trials of everyday can put a dent in my confidence. I feel stupid for not learning German and yet my heart is really not into it and I can’t get around that. 

Brian has said that he would be happy to live here forever but I just can’t do that. While I feel so lucky and grateful for this experience I just can’t picture sending our girls to high school here. I can’t picture turning our backs on what we know and love in the US.

So I always end up where I started. I’m torn. 

And here is my other major problem lately. Claire seems to have a permanent bird’s nest of a messy hairdo. This is how she wakes up every morning and she is NOT happy to have me brush it. I’m putting out an urgent request for Johnson’s No-More-Tangles. Do they still sell that stuff?

I like to end on a light note.